Good advice. I especially agree about not being afraid to reach out. I lost my 20 year old son Aug 2022 and knowing that other people were remembering him was about the only thing that gave me comfort. One of his childhood friends sent me a card with pictures of the two of them as young boys. It touched me beyond words. I would only add to respect boundaries. My home felt like the only place I could grieve without wondering who was watching, so I refused visitors. I appreciated offers, but needed space where I could grieve privately. Also, I have two dear friends that I meet for dinner regularly. They are always willing to talk about my son, but also will carry on chatting between themselves and allow me to be quiet...but not alone, if that makes sense. They meet me where I am in the moment and that has helped me continue to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm sorry for your loss. I was widowed nearly 15 years ago but still remember those early days. My enduring takeaway from those days is to remind people who are suffering that it's as much a gift to accept an offer of help as to extend one. In times of crisis, it helps to be useful. I had friends clean my car for the funeral, walk my dog, take my son's sport coat to the dry cleaner, and more. I didn't ask for a single one of those tasks to be done. People offered and I accepted. It helped us all to get through a tough time.
My husband went through a long illness which required so many hospital visits that I can't even remember the drives into the city, leaving our beautiful property to suffer because we weren't around to take care of things. My family and friends spent an entire day cutting down brush and weeds from around the barn, mowing the pasture, burning off the dead grasses and my son-in-law's mom and sister showed up with their chain saws to attack overgrown shrubs. What a gift that was. We came home from a long day to find all of this accomplished. After he passed away they were back and we cleaned the barn and the basement loading junk into 30 yard dump boxes. Their support continues and not one casserole was seen.
This is also a very good list for caregivers especially #3. When caring for someone who is elderly or sick people will often say, "Please let me know what you need," without realizing that you don't even know what you need or more importantly what it is appropriate to ask for. Don't always ask "What can I do," you can say, "I'm going to stop by tomorrow to mow the lawn" or "I'm happy to drive your dad to doctor's appointments," and my personal favorite: Pick a day next week - I'm going to come hang out with your mom so you can get out and do whatever you want!"
When my husband died, now 9+ years ago, my sister called me everyday for a year. (Except when I was at her house, where I had makeup , PJs and my own bedroom, when I needed it) No agendas, no topics, just talk.
Sometimes you really piss me off, but not this time. Amazingly, I have not been in your position (I guess I don't have that many friends!) but as I and my friends age I'm sure I will be sooner or later. I've printed off your words of wisdom to help remind me of how to help friends who are in pain. Thank you.
Very good MK. When I lost my wife to cancer in 2005, a few kind folks reached out to me. Some time later, when I was still a mess, a friend in the Philippines invited me there and helped me start over. She's now my wife and still helps me survive.
When my best friend found out last year his wife filed to divorce him, I brought him over a huge bag of my homemade beef jerky. In retrospect, I'm not sure I could have come up with a better comfort, at least from me.
Couch grief to grocery store grief!
The world is a better place with you in it. It makes me so happy to see all the joy in your life you deserve all of it. đ
Excellent advice. . . I'm sorry you had to learn it through your own suffering and loss.
This is everything, MK. Keep writing - the world needs it.
Good advice. I especially agree about not being afraid to reach out. I lost my 20 year old son Aug 2022 and knowing that other people were remembering him was about the only thing that gave me comfort. One of his childhood friends sent me a card with pictures of the two of them as young boys. It touched me beyond words. I would only add to respect boundaries. My home felt like the only place I could grieve without wondering who was watching, so I refused visitors. I appreciated offers, but needed space where I could grieve privately. Also, I have two dear friends that I meet for dinner regularly. They are always willing to talk about my son, but also will carry on chatting between themselves and allow me to be quiet...but not alone, if that makes sense. They meet me where I am in the moment and that has helped me continue to put one foot in front of the other.
I'm sorry for your loss. I was widowed nearly 15 years ago but still remember those early days. My enduring takeaway from those days is to remind people who are suffering that it's as much a gift to accept an offer of help as to extend one. In times of crisis, it helps to be useful. I had friends clean my car for the funeral, walk my dog, take my son's sport coat to the dry cleaner, and more. I didn't ask for a single one of those tasks to be done. People offered and I accepted. It helped us all to get through a tough time.
My husband went through a long illness which required so many hospital visits that I can't even remember the drives into the city, leaving our beautiful property to suffer because we weren't around to take care of things. My family and friends spent an entire day cutting down brush and weeds from around the barn, mowing the pasture, burning off the dead grasses and my son-in-law's mom and sister showed up with their chain saws to attack overgrown shrubs. What a gift that was. We came home from a long day to find all of this accomplished. After he passed away they were back and we cleaned the barn and the basement loading junk into 30 yard dump boxes. Their support continues and not one casserole was seen.
This is also a very good list for caregivers especially #3. When caring for someone who is elderly or sick people will often say, "Please let me know what you need," without realizing that you don't even know what you need or more importantly what it is appropriate to ask for. Don't always ask "What can I do," you can say, "I'm going to stop by tomorrow to mow the lawn" or "I'm happy to drive your dad to doctor's appointments," and my personal favorite: Pick a day next week - I'm going to come hang out with your mom so you can get out and do whatever you want!"
Welcome back to Substack, MK. Since I was kicked off Facebook and Twitter, Iâve missed your writingâŚ
When my husband died, now 9+ years ago, my sister called me everyday for a year. (Except when I was at her house, where I had makeup , PJs and my own bedroom, when I needed it) No agendas, no topics, just talk.
Sometimes you really piss me off, but not this time. Amazingly, I have not been in your position (I guess I don't have that many friends!) but as I and my friends age I'm sure I will be sooner or later. I've printed off your words of wisdom to help remind me of how to help friends who are in pain. Thank you.
Very good MK. When I lost my wife to cancer in 2005, a few kind folks reached out to me. Some time later, when I was still a mess, a friend in the Philippines invited me there and helped me start over. She's now my wife and still helps me survive.
When my best friend found out last year his wife filed to divorce him, I brought him over a huge bag of my homemade beef jerky. In retrospect, I'm not sure I could have come up with a better comfort, at least from me.
All good and practical advice to friends and associates to use.
Amr Australia.