Good advice. I especially agree about not being afraid to reach out. I lost my 20 year old son Aug 2022 and knowing that other people were remembering him was about the only thing that gave me comfort. One of his childhood friends sent me a card with pictures of the two of them as young boys. It touched me beyond words. I would only add to respect boundaries. My home felt like the only place I could grieve without wondering who was watching, so I refused visitors. I appreciated offers, but needed space where I could grieve privately. Also, I have two dear friends that I meet for dinner regularly. They are always willing to talk about my son, but also will carry on chatting between themselves and allow me to be quiet...but not alone, if that makes sense. They meet me where I am in the moment and that has helped me continue to put one foot in front of the other.
MK: I read your post the other day about not just losing Jake but being told he was gone as you rushed to his side. Compound that with the fact you were pregnant with a daughter who would never know her dad. So glad that you have met another man and have grown your family with him. We never know the why but God enables us to move through the grief and then write an article like this to help others. Thank you for telling others how to help in simple ways.
I'm sorry for your loss. I was widowed nearly 15 years ago but still remember those early days. My enduring takeaway from those days is to remind people who are suffering that it's as much a gift to accept an offer of help as to extend one. In times of crisis, it helps to be useful. I had friends clean my car for the funeral, walk my dog, take my son's sport coat to the dry cleaner, and more. I didn't ask for a single one of those tasks to be done. People offered and I accepted. It helped us all to get through a tough time.
My husband went through a long illness which required so many hospital visits that I can't even remember the drives into the city, leaving our beautiful property to suffer because we weren't around to take care of things. My family and friends spent an entire day cutting down brush and weeds from around the barn, mowing the pasture, burning off the dead grasses and my son-in-law's mom and sister showed up with their chain saws to attack overgrown shrubs. What a gift that was. We came home from a long day to find all of this accomplished. After he passed away they were back and we cleaned the barn and the basement loading junk into 30 yard dump boxes. Their support continues and not one casserole was seen.
This is also a very good list for caregivers especially #3. When caring for someone who is elderly or sick people will often say, "Please let me know what you need," without realizing that you don't even know what you need or more importantly what it is appropriate to ask for. Don't always ask "What can I do," you can say, "I'm going to stop by tomorrow to mow the lawn" or "I'm happy to drive your dad to doctor's appointments," and my personal favorite: Pick a day next week - I'm going to come hang out with your mom so you can get out and do whatever you want!"
Great advice! I lost my wife to cancer 15 years ago. The time afterward is now a blur. I was lucky to have some close friends and others help me out. Since I had to get back to work after a week or so, the many cooked meals that were delivered were a godsend.
Such wonderful advice. I remember when your husband died. It was so sad and then you seemed to just disappear for a longtime. I always enjoyed your commentary. I’m glad to see you back!😊👍
Thank you for this. I will be meeting a dear friend for breakfast this morning. He and I were very good friends as colleagues over 30 years ago and have been friends ever since. He lost his wife a year ago this month and he has not been the same. Reading your post has made me very emotional this morning. But it has also prepared me to support him and love him better way.
Couch grief to grocery store grief!
The world is a better place with you in it. It makes me so happy to see all the joy in your life you deserve all of it. 💕
+1
This is everything, MK. Keep writing - the world needs it.
Good advice. I especially agree about not being afraid to reach out. I lost my 20 year old son Aug 2022 and knowing that other people were remembering him was about the only thing that gave me comfort. One of his childhood friends sent me a card with pictures of the two of them as young boys. It touched me beyond words. I would only add to respect boundaries. My home felt like the only place I could grieve without wondering who was watching, so I refused visitors. I appreciated offers, but needed space where I could grieve privately. Also, I have two dear friends that I meet for dinner regularly. They are always willing to talk about my son, but also will carry on chatting between themselves and allow me to be quiet...but not alone, if that makes sense. They meet me where I am in the moment and that has helped me continue to put one foot in front of the other.
MK: I read your post the other day about not just losing Jake but being told he was gone as you rushed to his side. Compound that with the fact you were pregnant with a daughter who would never know her dad. So glad that you have met another man and have grown your family with him. We never know the why but God enables us to move through the grief and then write an article like this to help others. Thank you for telling others how to help in simple ways.
I'm sorry for your loss. I was widowed nearly 15 years ago but still remember those early days. My enduring takeaway from those days is to remind people who are suffering that it's as much a gift to accept an offer of help as to extend one. In times of crisis, it helps to be useful. I had friends clean my car for the funeral, walk my dog, take my son's sport coat to the dry cleaner, and more. I didn't ask for a single one of those tasks to be done. People offered and I accepted. It helped us all to get through a tough time.
Excellent advice. . . I'm sorry you had to learn it through your own suffering and loss.
My husband went through a long illness which required so many hospital visits that I can't even remember the drives into the city, leaving our beautiful property to suffer because we weren't around to take care of things. My family and friends spent an entire day cutting down brush and weeds from around the barn, mowing the pasture, burning off the dead grasses and my son-in-law's mom and sister showed up with their chain saws to attack overgrown shrubs. What a gift that was. We came home from a long day to find all of this accomplished. After he passed away they were back and we cleaned the barn and the basement loading junk into 30 yard dump boxes. Their support continues and not one casserole was seen.
This is also a very good list for caregivers especially #3. When caring for someone who is elderly or sick people will often say, "Please let me know what you need," without realizing that you don't even know what you need or more importantly what it is appropriate to ask for. Don't always ask "What can I do," you can say, "I'm going to stop by tomorrow to mow the lawn" or "I'm happy to drive your dad to doctor's appointments," and my personal favorite: Pick a day next week - I'm going to come hang out with your mom so you can get out and do whatever you want!"
Welcome back to Substack, MK. Since I was kicked off Facebook and Twitter, I’ve missed your writing…
Mary Katherine, you might be my new hero🙏
Great advice! I lost my wife to cancer 15 years ago. The time afterward is now a blur. I was lucky to have some close friends and others help me out. Since I had to get back to work after a week or so, the many cooked meals that were delivered were a godsend.
Such wonderful advice. I remember when your husband died. It was so sad and then you seemed to just disappear for a longtime. I always enjoyed your commentary. I’m glad to see you back!😊👍
Good
Thank you for this. I will be meeting a dear friend for breakfast this morning. He and I were very good friends as colleagues over 30 years ago and have been friends ever since. He lost his wife a year ago this month and he has not been the same. Reading your post has made me very emotional this morning. But it has also prepared me to support him and love him better way.
Having been there, this is such great advice, particularly not asking what you can do to help and just doing something useful.