Three Simple Ways To Help A Friend In Crisis

Plus a bonus! Because I couldn't edit myself.

Me just trying to eat a sandwich right after my husband died.

I’ve written over the years about my experience with grief after losing my late husband, Jake. I hope that putting the unimaginable into words, no matter how insufficient, makes the incomprehensible a little less so.

I’ve written less about how to help a friend who is hurting. But people ask about it often. It’s understandable. Someone you know just has just met up with mortality and you don’t know how to respond. Maybe you’re afraid to reach out. Maybe you’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing. Maybe you’re anxious that if you think too hard about the despair of someone else, you too will fall into despair.

But enough with the anxiety. Let’s get to action for what is, alas, an inevitability of life.

1) Reach out to tell them it is terrible and unfixable.

It’s counterintuitive, but stick with me.

I learned after Jake died that reaching out is better than paralyzing yourself with the idea you’ll reach out the wrong way. Even if you’re a little scared, you’re not more scared than your friend is right now. It is good to hear from people! I still find letters I got after Jake died that bring me a smile. I wish I could have thanked all those folks, but this is another good lesson. Reach out, but don’t require a response. You can even put in a text, “Don’t worry about responding. Just want you to know I’m thinking of you.”

Now, what to say? I don’t want to put a bunch of strictures on you because that adds anxiety, and you know your friend better than I do. “How are you?” fails, so what about “How you holding up?”

But I find simple honesty is best of all. “Hey, I love you. What you’re going through is awful and painful, and I know my words can’t fix it for you. But when things are just the worst, I’m here to sit with you or just text about the terribleness.” I usually throw in some cuss words, but that’s up to you.

This is a time for truth, not cheering up. My faith tells me there is a more comforting place for the deceased and God has a plan we can’t understand. But there is still intense pain here in our fallen world. This is more a “He healeth the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” moment than a “consider it pure joy whenever you face trials” moment.

Simpler still: “Words fail, but I’m here for you.”

2) Bring creature comforts (not just casseroles!)

When you’re absolutely steeped in grief in the early days, it is hard to feel like a human. You’re disoriented, disconnected from the person you have been up to that point. Any return to that, the simpler the better, is a help. Cozy is good. Silly is good. Distracting is good.

What does your friend love? Flowers are the go-to, but what else from their former life? One friend brought me Bojangles’ biscuits. Another friend came over with a fashion magazine and a new nail polish, poignantly named “Carry On,” which I have to this day thanks to that accidental message. My college friends sent me a beautiful mug and strainer with a calming blend of tea.

My friend Ryan Manion of the Travis Manion Foundation was very familiar with grief, having lost her brother in combat and her mom to cancer within a couple of years. She jumped on a train with a giant bag of brand-new hoodies, leggings, and joggers from TMF headquarters. The clothes were comfortable, but presentable, and this is important— they had no memories attached to them. For a couple of days, I was afraid to go back to the house Jake would never come home to, so I didn’t have my own clothes. But I needed something to wear for all my grief errands. A thing you don’t know about the death of a loved one until you’re there is how many logistics there are— meetings with lawyers, funeral homes, and probate courts.

Sometimes I recommend sending a nice matching loungewear set. Remember how Cosmo used to tell you how to take your outfit from day to night? This one goes seamlessly from couch grief to grocery-store grief!

The perfect ensemble for crying on the couch or picking out an urn!

3) Anticipate a need you can meet with your skills.

People in crisis don’t always know what they need. They often don’t know how to ask. “Let me know if there’s any way I can help” is a well-intentioned phrase. I’ve used it! But it can feel to a person in crisis like just another to-do on their overwhelming list.

A better tack is to offer specific help at a specific time, and follow through. Even better if you have a natural gift that can add strength where your friend might be weak.

I’m notoriously bad at paperwork, but my best friend is a whiz with organization. She stepped in and straightened my mixed-up files, merged my accounts, got my taxes done, and we got me a will and trust. She worked the equivalent of a part-time job for months putting me back on my feet.

Are you the fun friend? Offer to come over for a movie, with favorite snacks. (I recommend absurdist, juvenile comedy, as it doesn’t hit any potentially traumatic notes.) An offer to watch someone’s kids for a couple of hours on a Thursday night or take them to a playground during the day can be a Godsend. Are you the active friend? Maybe a short walk or hike? The early days of grief can be physically tiring, but getting outside is important.

My neighbors did one of the kindest things for me. They knew I couldn’t handle the lawn or any landscaping, but they were enthusiasts and experts, so they came over when I was out of the house to mow my lawn and pull weeds. They did it that way so I wouldn’t feel guilty about it. They saw a need and quietly filled it without my even needing to know. It was such a blessing, and I’ll never know how many hours and resources they gave me, so that I could take care of my family instead of my lawn.

Not at all what my yard looked like, but it was improved thanks to my neighbors.

4) Bonus: Mark Your Calendar

Let me anticipate a need for you now. Mark your calendar for a couple of months down the road, when the immediate stress of the memorial and all the logistics are gone along with the initial offers of help. The world will move on, as it should, but those still struggling will feel a little abandoned. Maybe set up a regular check-in or coffee with your friend. Give yourself a reminder to text or bring take-out. Mark your calendar for the anniversary of someone’s passing or their birthday. I’m not perfect about it, but I try to keep those anniversaries in mind and check in with friends during that week. It feels good when friends remember you, your loved one, or your pain, even as it changes as the years go by.

Life is hard. I hope this will help you help someone you love get through the hardest parts.